Old poem

[Jeff]

I wrote this 4 1/2 years ago in OAC. I was probably very happy when I wrote it (I was in love for the first time). I want to maybe put it in a chapbook I'm working on. Give me your thoughts; I find it hard to review my own stuff when it's so old and I'm quasi-removed from it -- you're fully removed from it!

La Luna

We're ruined the moon.
We've stepped on it, spat on it, sat on it, shat on it,
Left our droppings on the moon.

The lovers look up at the white ball
but it's not all there as there is
a stupid flag
footprints
and bits of garbage.

Soon man will walk upon the stars
and claim the heavens for king & country
and the lovers will look somewhere else

if somewhere else is left.


Thoughts? I know the ever-present undergradwhatsitsname will read this at sometime.

[mark]

first off - spelling mistake in the first line. should it be we've, instead of we're?

the only parts i think could use a bit of work are the first two lines of the second stanza. i don't know about calling the moon a white ball - doesn't quite fit the tone or the sentiment as well as it could. and the next line seems a little awkward to me. the rest is great though, a really great ending. but i think that revamping that second stanza could make this whole piece a lot more powerful.

[Jeff]

Thanks,

that white ball has been bothering me for about 4 years. I'm going to have to stare at the moon for a the next couple weeks until I can think of a decent metaphor.

[theundergrad]

the lovers need to look into themselves. in there they will find more space than space. good poem. thank god someone is writing.

[theundergrad]

hey mark why don't you write somehting instead of just ripping up on other people. pregnant dog

[theundergrad]

and a good metahpore for the moon is 'the great stone face' - nathaniel hawthorne.